The soundtrack was Jeff Goldblum jazz

Today I laid in the grass with Sarina and had a wild and crazy journey through I'm not sure what. I don't even know how I got to some points. I went deep into my mind. It was a familiar place. This mind race has (not) been sponsored by Cizi. 

Where I ended up was a very calm place questioning why I am even worried about anything. I started with both feminine and masculine wounds, the pressure I feel to leave a lasting impression on the world for the better, why that was important, what I think my role is on earth, not knowing the answer, detoured into the multiverse, feeling a responsibility to do so many different things, to provide structure, heal generations, be authentically myself, to win a spiritual war, to know and understand myself, to make people laugh, to take over the world, and a lot of other things that don't really matter from where I am sitting. 

I found myself seeing similar images. I see these sometimes when I'm really stoned and in my own head. They used to be just flashes, kind of shaped like the western hemisphere but also like if you laid a bunch of cartoon characters heads on top of one another mixed with a tree. I saw it probably the most clearly tonight. I don't know what it means but I was also seeing the patterns in things on the way home. 

(At the time of the hang, the moon was still in Scorpio)

I don't know if my Aquarius placements were driving the ship or something. Strongly affected by the waxing gibbous moon in the last degrees of Scorpio which was transiting my 8th house. I think I touched on some core wounds and then didn't lean into them. I kind of took a sip and then kept flying through the high. 

I probably need to just focus on what is here, now, in front of me, and do the things that is going to cause me the most joy. The journey started with me not allowing myself to have the riches and spoils that are already mine. My inability to act on my creativity and follow my passions is a consequence of my hesitation to get out of my own way. 

I get bogged down with all of the things that I think I have to do and it's overwhelming because I want to do them all right. All of these responsibilities that I've put on myself, or that have been put on me, they can go away. Perhaps they are secret wants that I have dressed as mandatory tasks in an effort to deter me from trying for fear of failure? What does failure have to do with ANYTHING? That hoe wasn't even invited to the party. 

I think I just need to slow down because at the end of the day, I'm just a person. I can just be a person. I don't even have superpowers or a magic wand or anything. None of the stuff you need to save the world. I can live my life whatever way I want it and that be okay, too. 

I want to get paid to be myself on my own terms. I want to punch men in the face. I want to be taken care of.