Hocus Focus

I need to focus in. I have been so scattered for so long. I have been catching my mind wandering. I do it all the time. 

I just did it right now! I set a timer to write this blog and I wasted 10 of my 30 min!!

Do you know how hard it is to fight against your instincts?  I like to put out good content, but if I try and keep up with my brain's timeline, I might make something I'm not happy with. Then take the time I need. Yes, but I have a tendency to put things off until forever for fear of it not being good. But everything I produce is good. Or at least has been in the past. I do good work. 

All this thought into this one aspect of why I shouldn't do the thing I want and have already started doing. Why do I need to worry about that? I could have already had a reel edited or another video recorded. 

It's probably secretly masking the anxiety of my job cutting into my time to make the content, and my fear of not being ready to keep up with another work schedule or being too exhausted to. 

Money on top of that. My Macbook needs to be cleaned and updated and until that happens, I can't edit videos on it. That is the whole reason I impulse bought a desktop. I don't know how much it is going to cost, but I also have to buy groceries, work clothes, gas, and toiletries. I am almost out of body wash and conditioner, and I am pretty sure that I won't get my first check until September because we are paid MONTHLY. So I am going to have to take my computer back to the store so I can get a few hundred back but that means a halt on content production unless I can fix my macbook myself before then. Not to mention finishing unpacking (which is my least done goal this week), fixing my sleep, doing laundry, and cleaning my space, meal prepping, spending time with my cats, and surviving in 118-degree weather that is about to get humid!

SO. Maybe all of that is justified. Maybe that is a lot to deal with. Maybe that's just being an adult in 2025, but either way, I am trying not to feel all the stress about how little time I have left to enjoy job limbo. I wish I had more momentum gained in the content game so that I could use that money to catch myself and live. I said my corporate job was the last time I was going to work for someone else. 

This is part of the plan though. I just need to remember that. I need to tap into the part of me that says that I will be taken care of and even though I have a lot on my plate right now. I asked for it. I have handled a million other things, some harder, mostly harder and came out the other side some kind of winner. Time to suck it up and get the job done...again! 

I am not doing anything right now that I haven't envisioned myself doing. The only problem is I envision myself doing a lot of things, so trying to make them all happen is posing to be difficult and stressful which is causing my mind to drift inward to avoid thinking about the outward world. But it does need to be thought about. It needs to be focused on. An action plan needs to get made. 

Virgo Season is going to pop off!! But for now, I just need to focus on finishing out Leo season strong. 

Sizzle.

Yesterday it took me five hours to make one blog post. Today it took me 12 hours to make one YouTube video. Blowing the dust off of this skill has been more difficult than I thought it was going to be. I spent a lot of time today trying to find the right vibe.

It's hard to build a brand when the brand is you and you're still unsure of who you are and what you want. Story of my freaking life. However, I've decided that I am allowed to make wrong decisions. I'm allowed to just do things and learn from them. It sounds like a normal human thing, but you'd be surprised on how many normal human things I refuse to let myself experience.

Today I got up at 9:59 which means I'm one for one on the wake up before 10 am goal. I got up and immediately went for a walk around the block. Then I made breakfast, recorded a video, and edited that video for hours. I was supposed to unpack a box. Did I technically do that? Hard to say. Are there less boxes in my house today than there were yesterday? Yes. 

I vlogged my morning for a reel but didn't have the chance to edit it. That's fine though. Ideally, I was going to post a reel every day, but I definitely did not want to commit myself to that. So, we are going to do it when we can. The point of this week is to get back into the habit and actually try.

I don't think I've tried in a while. Trying as hard. Caring is hard, especially when you care as much as I do. I care about shit that doesn't even matter. It's really difficult sometimes, but I am choosing something new and different. No one tells me who I am or what I get to be, especially not my self-doubt. That bitch is a lying whore.  

Anyway, I am 67.5% done exporting the third or fourth iteration of the same damn video because I need things to be good. No one would really notice there was just something off with my title card, but I noticed. It took me a few tries to fix it, but it's better now; and I added a few things that made it even cuter. 

With all the effort and work I put in today, it's crazy how much time I've been wasting. I suppose it's not wasting if I'm resting and recovering. I am on my way to regulating my body a little bit better and taking the time that I need to recover when I overexert myself. I need to be setting myself up better so I can handle more things. 

This week is giving reset and I'm here for it. Stay tuned because there is an excessive heat warning and yo girl is ready to sizzle.  

It took 5 hours to write this post

I can't use my desk drawers because my cats have claimed them as hidey holes. I'm zero percent mad at it. I always feel bad when I'm spending extended time on the computer. I don't want to ignore them, especially today because I spent all afternoon at my parents' house. 

I guess they sleep all day anyway. It's funny. They woke me up a couple of days this week. They are obsessed with this wand toy. Out of all the toys I've bought them, they like the one that came free with a tunnel. FIGURES. I thought they were waking me up for breakfast, but they just wanted to play. I have been off the schedule I have had since I got them, and they are not loving it. It's coming back soon, but I think I need to start working on it. 

I was reflecting on my goals last week and I accomplished some for sure! There are some chaos drawings I need to share. I just need to take a good photo of them. I didn't make my reels or youtube videos this week and I missed a blog post.

I was going to do a quick video right now, but I had no idea what to talk about. So I asked my best friend Daisy what kind of video she wanted to see of me, but she never responded so now I am just going to make the one I think she would want to see. 

My goals for this week! Every day I will: 

• Write a blog post
• Take a walk 
• Drink a gallon of water
• Wake up before 10am
• Unpack one box

I am also planning on doing some kind of vlog or content about it during the week. Don't want to over commit myself, but expect something? Are these goals smart enough? I think I might have to action plan each - schedule a time/routine etc.  

I am going to make the video tomorrow. I wanted to do it before bed, and I recorded a bunch of stuff, possibly usable, but I can't edit tonight if I am going to wake up before 10am. Mocha is yelling that it is bedtime, and there are dreams to dream!

Catch me in the Land of Milk and Cookies.

The soundtrack was Jeff Goldblum jazz

Today I laid in the grass with Sarina and had a wild and crazy journey through I'm not sure what. I don't even know how I got to some points. I went deep into my mind. It was a familiar place. This mind race has (not) been sponsored by Cizi. 

Where I ended up was a very calm place questioning why I am even worried about anything. I started with both feminine and masculine wounds, the pressure I feel to leave a lasting impression on the world for the better, why that was important, what I think my role is on earth, not knowing the answer, detoured into the multiverse, feeling a responsibility to do so many different things, to provide structure, heal generations, be authentically myself, to win a spiritual war, to know and understand myself, to make people laugh, to take over the world, and a lot of other things that don't really matter from where I am sitting. 

I found myself seeing similar images. I see these sometimes when I'm really stoned and in my own head. They used to be just flashes, kind of shaped like the western hemisphere but also like if you laid a bunch of cartoon characters heads on top of one another mixed with a tree. I saw it probably the most clearly tonight. I don't know what it means but I was also seeing the patterns in things on the way home. 

(At the time of the hang, the moon was still in Scorpio)

I don't know if my Aquarius placements were driving the ship or something. Strongly affected by the waxing gibbous moon in the last degrees of Scorpio which was transiting my 8th house. I think I touched on some core wounds and then didn't lean into them. I kind of took a sip and then kept flying through the high. 

I probably need to just focus on what is here, now, in front of me, and do the things that is going to cause me the most joy. The journey started with me not allowing myself to have the riches and spoils that are already mine. My inability to act on my creativity and follow my passions is a consequence of my hesitation to get out of my own way. 

I get bogged down with all of the things that I think I have to do and it's overwhelming because I want to do them all right. All of these responsibilities that I've put on myself, or that have been put on me, they can go away. Perhaps they are secret wants that I have dressed as mandatory tasks in an effort to deter me from trying for fear of failure? What does failure have to do with ANYTHING? That hoe wasn't even invited to the party. 

I think I just need to slow down because at the end of the day, I'm just a person. I can just be a person. I don't even have superpowers or a magic wand or anything. None of the stuff you need to save the world. I can live my life whatever way I want it and that be okay, too. 

I want to get paid to be myself on my own terms. I want to punch men in the face. I want to be taken care of. 

Alexa, play Shy by Renee Rapp

I was sitting in my sinky couch, trying to find something to watch on netflix. I had just finished watching something on youtube. Media is just not hitting these days. That’s when I thought about my show and how I haven't written in forever. Then I thought about the novel based on my show and how it hasn’t been updated with the new versions of my pilot. So I came to work on that.

I sat in front of a blank google doc for too long and then put Renee Rapp's Bite Me on. I am listening for the first time and it's giving 2005. I love it. I wanna make cute nostalgie 2000s music. Take me back to the days I blocked out, amirite?? Not unpurposefully? I guess I got really good at dissociating. I hardly remember last year, let alone however many years ago 2005 was! 

Anyway. I wanted to write, and I don't know what it is about fiction that just does not flow. I think if I made it a point to sit and make myself do it, it would happen. Maybe it's because I don't read.

I have such a hesitation to just let me be me. To let my creativity flow. I just need to be as authentically myself as I can possibly be at any given moment. Most of my art is so wholly and desperately close to my heart. I put myself in everything I do. It’s why it’s so damn hard to put anything out there. All I have to offer is myself, and if that isn't enough, well fuck. 

I KNOW that it will never be enough until it's enough for me. I decide that. I just know that I am destined for greatness and any move I make, anything I create is important, and I think that is what will make my eventual content so special. 

For now, my routine is still pending. I have two weeks to get my life on track. I didn't plan any acting classes today. I also missed my chaos drawing last night. I also also missed last night's blog post. So here we are. I need to go grocery shopping; I need income; and I would love a handsome, self-aware man to pay attention to me. Now taking applications for fluffers.